Hello Jenny
I hope you are doing well, I’ve read the subject of the competition and I would like to contribute so I’ve written my essay and I hope it will be a good one. Thank you so much for giving us the chance to practice writing IELTS essays.
My name is Bïa and I’m an Algerian student so I discussed the subject regarding to my country. Here it is:
Very few people who commit crime want to. They do it because they feel they have no choice. This is the reality of the situation, and it means that police and prisons are not relevant to reducing crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
essay:
There are different types of crimes. They can be as disastrous as killing to significantly small ones like stealing mobile phones. In my country the killing of innocent people has declined compared to what it was in the nineties but there are still some suicide bombings occurring from time to time in different places. Robbery is also another crime committed against citizens exposing them to an unending fear. Although there exist reasons which lead people to kill or steal, punishment is needed in order to reduce the number of murderers in a society.
Primarily, governments have to find the reasons why a specific type of crime is increasing in their countries. This will help them provide effective ways to reduce it, because being aware of the urges and causes of a problem is the first step towards finding logical solutions. For instant, the reason behind robbery is in many cases poverty, many poor people may find themselves forced to steal in order to survive.
While thinking of peaceful indirect solutions to reduce a crime, such as providing opportunities of work and reducing the rank of unemployment, direct solutions should be considered too like imprisoning criminals or other more severe types of punishment. Murderers should not be left free in a society in any reasons. For example, if they are left free they will be able to build strong and organized gangs which will have more and more serious acts of violence.
Although I believe that the motives behind crimes should be clear before punishing anybody, prisons and other kinds of treating criminals are also needed.  We can then wonder: Will our governments succeed in identifying the reasons and providing effective solutions to this problem? Will they succeed to provide more security and peace in our lives? These are what we need to seriously think about.

All the best
yours
Bïa

Dear Bia,

Many thanks for sending me your essay. You have written a very clear, well-organised answer which follows a logical order and provides the reader with several examples and reasons to support your views. Your introduction is very good and you have sensibly discussed your own experience of crime by describing the situation in your country. You have presented both sides of the argument by discussing the importance of identifying the causes of crime as well as the need for appropriate punishments. Your conclusion is also very clear and you have used questions effectively to leave the reader with something to consider. Your range of vocabulary and ability to use linking words accurately demonstrate a good control of the language. There are only a few misuses of language but they are only minor errors. They include:

there exist reasons (there are reasons)
for instant (for instance)
rank of unemployment (level of unemployment)
in any reasons (under any circumstances)
will have more and more serious acts of violence (will commit ...)
succeed to provide (succeed in providing)

This is a very good answer. Well done!

Jenny
The iPass Team

Read your answer and I loved it. Your answer is much better than mine. Well done, Bia.

Here are some mistakes that I found

You wrote “This will help them provide effective ways to reduce it” -

Better ways to write it - “This will help them to provide effective ways to reduce it”

or

“This will help them in providing effective ways to reduce it”

I don’t know but I think it’ll have more impact this way. Jenny knows more than me, so let’s see what she says.

One more sentence

You wrote “the reason behind robbery is in many cases poverty”

Better - “the reason behind robbery in many cases is poverty”

The questions that you raised in your last paragraph seem to be forced because I don’t find any solid link between the sentences.

See this sentence “prisons and other kinds of treating criminals are also needed.”

You can write it in another way to make it more appealing to the reader as it doesn’t fit perfectly with the first part of the sentence.

Dear Navi,

Actually, Bïa is correct to say ‘this will help them provide effective ways to reduce it”

You can “help someone DO something” or “help someone TO DO something”.

Or, as you rightly point out, you can “help someone IN DOING something” - it is a more formal structure and would therefore be appropriate in an academic essay although it doesn’t necessarily have more impact.

The best word order for the other sentence you have highlighted would be:

In many cases, the reason behind robbery is poverty. OR In many cases, poverty is the reason behind robbery.

The first one has more impact because the reason (poverty) is suspended until the end of the sentence.

You could also place the adverbial (in many cases) at the end of the sentence. By doing so you are highlighting the fact that it is not true in ALL cases.

For me, the conclusion is clear and cohesive with effective use of questions.

Jenny
The iPass Team